Depression and social anxiety.

Hello dear readers,

This is a little update on my life and what I'm going through at the moment. It is very self-centered, and that's why I would like you all to comment and discuss:). Do you suffer from SA and/or depression? What helps you to overcome it? Are you a recent graduate? How did you find the transition from full-time student, to full-time working adult? 

This is what I'm personally struggling with:

Finding meaning in life

I am struggling to find a purpose or meaning to my life now that I've graduated. I feel lost. I know people say that the world is your oyster when you're a recent graduate, however for someone who is suffering with social anxiety it most definitely isn't. For those of you who don't know what social anxiety (SA) is, I'll provide a brief description:

"Social anxiety is the fear of social situations and the interaction with other people that can automatically bring on feelings of self-consciousness, judgment, evaluation, and inferiority.

Social anxiety is the fear and anxiety of being judged and evaluated negatively by other people, leading to feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, embarrassment, humiliation, and depression.

If a person usually becomes anxious in social situations, but seems better when they are alone, then "social anxiety" may be the problem." 

(The Social Anxiety Institute)

I don't feel capable of holding down a secure and fairly well-paid job. I have had two temporary jobs in the past, and I couldn't cope with them. My work colleagues could definitely tell that I wasn't very good at my job, and that I was terrified all the time. Here are some of the SA symptoms I suffered from:

• Finding it difficult to concentrate on the task at hand in a work situation because I am so tense and afraid of other people around me (this occurred especially when I worked in an open plan office)
• Being unable to answer the phone 
• Scared of authoritative figures (bosses, senior members of staff)
• Feeling inferior and like a child in the company of adults (powerless, stupid)

The above list is not exhaustive. SA makes me quite literally crap at the job!

Not being able to connect to people

I am a bit of a misanthrope, and I feel like human relationships don't work! 

“We never love anyone. What we love is the idea we have of someone. It's our own concept—our own selves—that we love.”

― Fernando Pessoa, The Book of Disquiet

I don't know if it's my SA or depression, or a mixture of both, but I find it really difficult to connect to people. I feel depersonalised (a sensation of being disengaged from your surroundings, making life seem dreamlike and less real), and it is such an effort to talk to people. I think particularly depression alienates you from other people because you (well, in my case), feel so lacklustre, apathetic; something so simple as talking is such an effort. I have been going jogging for half an hour every morning, which is helping me feel a bit more energetic, however afterwards I just go home and sit around the whole day on my laptop, not doing anything productive. I am not finding enjoyment in anything, and I am in a constant bovine state - feeling sluggish, dull and stolid.

SA also makes you unable to connect to people because you are constantly thinking about yourself. I feel like I don't have a personality and I am crumbling away. 

So that's enough of the depressing talk! Feel free to comment and constructively criticise!